The Odd Number

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I had just discovered the joys of using it. Haha. As a result, I had removed some of the undesired parts of my MP3s (i.e. applause from live performances, unnecessary dialogues/monologues, random sounds). Whee.

I had seen Spiderman 3 last night because of free tickets from Mike's blockmate who had celebrated her birthday. Get this, I don't even know her. Haha. Anyway, the movie was a big letdown. It was too overrated. There were lots of scenes the movie could've done without. And the original storyline was fucked up way too much. Oh well. It's a good thing I didn't pay for it. Haha.

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I got this from Elaine's site. I'm sorry but I can't help myself so I stole it. Hahaha!

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So I went to A____ J___'s. I was wishing I would see you there. But at the same time, I was hoping I wouldn't.

Anyway, I didn't.

I'm a bit disappointed really. I regret having to leave my relatives in Batangas for the slim chance of having to talk with you again. (I also grieve over the bottle of Fundador I left there with my uncles.) Oh well. I thought it'd be worth it to see you once more.

And so, since you didn't make an appearance, I was left there with all too familiar faces and with the ghost of you lingering around the room.

I got the glass of Rhum-Coke. It was the same drink, the one that got you dead drunk. And it was roughly the same people all over again. The same as that night about 5 months ago. Last December 19.

I sat on the chair, on the sofa where I slept. That was where I was when you and I spoke (technically) for the first time. That was where I was when you invited me over to the bed. That was when I was thinking of leaving the condo. But I followed you. Because I thought I wanted to. I still think that way. Still. To this day even. Right now. Right now. And now.

I went to the CR, and stood outside it for some time. I remembered how I offered you to go in first when by chance, we felt the need to go at the same time. You were on the bed, obviously drunk, and you told me to go on ahead of you. I really should've. I really should've.

I saw the bed. I saw how it was too big for one person. I felt how it would've been too big had I slept there without you. And I wondered if you had felt the same way when you had lain there alone. I wondered. And I endured the thought that we felt differently.

I decided to go home at 3AM. You weren't there anyway. The reason I stayed there before (and I believe I haven't told anyone this just yet) is because of you. I could've gone home, you know. I've been drunk out of my wits before (for countless times) but I still managed to reach my house. Anyway, I didn't that night (or morning). I wanted to be in the same room with you for at least a few more hours. That is even without us talking. Had you not initiated, I would've walked out the door. Yes, I am spineless, a torpe. No matter how shameless I appear to other people, I really am quite shy when it comes to girls I really, really like. Like you. Like you. I'm hopeless that way. I'll always be. But you did initiate something. And I can't help but hate you for that.

I walked the entire way home. With the money in my wallet, I could've taken a cab. But I didn't. Walking calms me. It had always worked for me. But it failed today. That is why I'm renting a computer here. To tell you this. Although I doubt you'll even see this. Still I try. What else can I do? I write. Or at least I try to. I know my muse had left me. She had for a long time now. That's why I am incapable of new ideas. I have only this. Only these words. To describe, in the best way I can manage, how I feel. But I fail. Words are useless. They have always been. They have always served no purpose. We "writers" only kid ourselves. We still do.

At least I still do. I still have this blog, don't I?

- Reggie

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was marked by three things.

1. The shocked look on your face when you saw me arrive.

2. An exchange of smiles when we ran into each other. Probably fake.

3. Another smile just before you left. Again, I think it's fake.

And oh, you were wearing white and I, red. We swapped outfit colors from our first meeting.

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I thought you'd be the first of your kind who'd understand me. Especially after that bit about how you saw "a certain sadness in my eyes even when I'm smiling." And I had just realized how I shouldn't trust your sense of sight. After all, what you have are merely tiny slits for eyes.

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R: Good bf/gf (Riiiiight. Possible. But we'll never get to know that.)
E: easy to fall in love with (Whatever.)
G: Never let people tell you what to do (Yes, I'm stubborn.)
G: Never let people tell you what to do (Doubly stubborn.)
I: Loves to laugh (Used to, rather.)
E: easy to fall in love with (...)

A: Gorgeous
B: Loves people
C: Really easy to fall in love with
D: Is great in bed
E: easy to fall in love with
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Never let people tell you what to do
H:Freakin' beautiful eyes
I: Loves to laugh
J: Makes people laugh
K: Really silly
L: BEST SMILE
M: Makes dating fun
N: can kick ur butt
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: Good bf/gf
S: Lives life for fun
T: Great kisser
U: Gets blamed for everything
V: Not judgmental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Loved by everyone
Z: Lives life for fun

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A few days ago, I chatted with a friend of mine through YM. Normally, she wouldn't bother to say "Hi" to me when I'm online. She was just another YM contact that's there to fill up my list of online, "I'm-mobile", and "I'm-on-SMS" smileys. (Don't get me wrong. We used to "talk" but somewhere along the line, we stopped.) Lately, however, because she sends me messages when the two of us were online at the same time, we resumed "talking". In the middle of our conversation, I half-jokingly asked her if she's just chatting with me because no one else was online. She said I was being BV (I wished she didn't have to use that term and write "bad vibes" instead because I remember a certain someone I'd like to forget who used to "say" that often. Too often even. By the way, that someone is now "In A Relationship" according to her Friendster profile.) Anyway, according to my friend, I need to loosen up. She even (initially) volunteered to help me do so then thought against it later and left me that as a homework instead. Then she logged out before I could even reply. That was earlier that day. (When was it again? I no longer really have a firm grasp of the time lately. You would feel the same if you slept (or tried to) in the wee hours of the morning or sometimes, even when the sun was already high up and wake up in the afternoon and stay up til the morning again. And again. And again.)

Later, (I don't really know how much later that was but I reckon it was about half a day later) that same girl went online again. We continued with our conversation. I told her that I could try loosening up but I might fail. I added, "You might end up frustrated." That was when she typed in, "You know what, I already am. She said I was really being BV. (There she went again. I let it go.) I apologized and said I can't help it. This is just the way I am. She said, "NO." (Yes, it was in capital letters.) "You used to be funny and happy," read the next line. "And fun."

"Now you're just sad. Quiet."

"And sullen."

"Wow," I said. "So I have changed." Then, I apologized. I said I really can't help it.

She replied with the rolling-eyes smiley.

Then I asked, when did you notice this change?

"Since you put up those BV (Damn.) status messages."

"Oh. Oh well." I resorted to one of my default YM replies. I really can't do anything much about it. That's the truth. I'm positively optimistic about something, for once.

After all, how can I, when I don't even know how, why, when, and where the me I thought I knew changed?

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Around two weeks ago, after AJ's and Ray's exhibit, I reached my home half-drunk and half-confused. I had just seen her again. It was the second time. I had written about it before. Anyway, as soon as I entered my room, I slept. Early (or "Later" ) the next day, my other phone was nowhere to be found. "Oh well," I said, like I always do, "I had it for six months anyway." I figured then that I had dropped it somewhere while riding public vehicles from QC to Makati.

However, yesterday, my brother handed me a package. "A gift," he tells me, "One that is quite overdue." He urged me to open it. I did and inside was my 8210.  It was in my room all along.