The Odd Number

notwocanoccupy

Okay, so I have a job now. Will get into that in a later entry, but what I want to say now is that this all feels so...

adult.

...

napakahirap magtagpitagpi ng detalye para gumawa ng kwento. naubusan ako ngayon ng balatkayo.

napakahirap magtagpitagpi ng detalye para gumawa ng kwento. naubusan ako ngayon ng balatkayo.

charlson, bakit ba ako napadpad doon. ni hindi ko alam kung paano gumawa ng kwento. ganito dapat. may taong gustong pumaslang sa mahal niya. (katulad ng lahat na nagmamahal) gusto niya itong durugin, idikdik sa abo, pinuhin hangang mawala, maging hangin tangyay ng hangin. upang siya ay mahalin. alam kong gasgas (alam natng gasgas). ang premiso ay ang paggamit ng mga sulat. mga sulat natagpuan saan saan. ang nilalaman ng bawat sulat ay mga detalyeng impossibleng malamn nung sinusulatan. o dapat impossible. para ipakita kung gaano kadaming nalalaman nung protagonista. yung tagalikha ng mga sulat. puros mga detalye kung paano siya natagpuan. at sinundan. sinundan ng salita, salitang pilit na nagpapaganda, nanggalit. naninidak. ang premiso ay sindak, kung paano siya, ang protagonista, ay manghahabol, manunundo ng pilit. manghahawak ng bagay na hindi katawan, hindi puso (charlson, aminin mo na na ang puso ay kathang isip, isa lamang aparatong binuo ng dugo upang padaluyin ang sarili). gutom, ang pagiging hayop, ang pangil, ang tukaw, ang tari ang premiso. sa dulo ng kwento, sila ay magkakainan. dalawang hayop na (sa wakas) nagkakilala na parehas hindi alam kung sino ang lalamon kanino. ang pagtikim ay ang premiso. dun mo hulog yung aksyon. yun yung bangin, charlson. dun mo ako dapat sundan.

alot has happened. i'm studying. i'd like to say that i'm keeping myself busy to get my mind off things but that's not true.

i'm keeping myself busy because i feel that what i am doing is important. this is my adventure. i'm climbing up this ladder and it's getting steeper. as i get higher, it gets lonlier.

this is my adventure.

notwocanoccupy

I think I'm about to be made research fellow for a legal research center. I can't get into specifics, but I'm not quite sure if I want to get into research. But it's a job, a paying job so...

And make no mistake about it, I'm still looking for a second job, just because I'm really a workaholic (thank you for not pointing out the obvious.)

The secret is to not let them know that you don't have a fucking clue how you're going about your life.

Welcome to your twenties, PB.

i do think that i'm a manic depressive. it hits me at really random times. i don't even know what i'm doing. i mean really random. sometimes there's a trigger. sometimes it just happens.

i guess i really just feel alone. really alone. when people around you are so different from you. really different. and you can know it. they look at you differently. and i try to be like everyone else, but it gets lonelier that way. i see people and they are amazed by me. sometimes they hate me. sometimes they like me. most of the time they just laugh at the fact.

why am i bothered by all this. i knew this since i was... i can't recall. but it's been there like this balloon tied to my wrist, advertising 'hello there, i don't think like you'. i don't think like you.

i wish that i just stop. just like that. cold turkey on sadness. wow. a pill like that will make you divine these days.

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sometimes you just have to wonder, why is that? why do i feel so different? why do i feel so alone?

do i really have that big of an ego to think that i'm better than everyone else? or i really just don't care?

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i wish i could have told you what you're going into. i wish i can save you. i tried. i'm sorry.

i wish i can change the way you look at me. this will be a really hard stretch for you, that's about as much as i can say for now.

notwocanoccupy

I don't know if this should be the blog's last entry or not.

I only go here for the archives. I was so talkative then.

But no. I'll keep writing here.

I want to write again.

...