The Odd Number

1

may hinahanap akong pangalan. babae. kasi ganito: kaklase ko siya, tapos hindi ko alam pangalan niya at ayaw ko magtanong. ayokong malaman niya o ayokong aminin na hinahanap ko ang pangalan niya. alam ko appelyido niya kasi nung tinawag nung professor yung pangalan na "_" at siya yung sumagot. at alam ko ring babae siya kasi may mata ako, at may kapasidad akong gumawa ng distinksyon base sa mga anatomical na kategorya, o kaya sa depinisyong "via negativa". na hindi siya lalaki. pero, hindi ko naman agad masasabi kung lesbyana siya. kaya, niririsearch ko sa _ kung lesbyana siya para hindi ko na itatanong sa kanya. kaya, hinahalungkot ko sa internet, lalo na sa _, dahil nandun na ang lahat, auto-summary nung buhay niya, yung mga maaring kakilala niya, kung ano gusto niya, mga ganun. wala pa akong nakita tungkol sa kanya. ang pagiging lesbyana niya o hindi ay integral para sa akin. kaya, medyo kailangan ko pangalan niya.

gamit yung pangalan niya, maari kong malaman kung ano ang tawag sa kanya sa bahay nila, ng nanay/kapatid (kung meron)/lolo niya (example: amanda=aman, nada, manda, mandy, mana, daman, mandzzzz, amanding, namda, ah-mahn-duuu). gusto mo ba akong tulungan.

1
"kelangan sigurong malaman ko muna ang pakay mo sa paghahanap sa kanya bago kita tulungan (ngisi). tawagin mo nang pagtatakip ito sa napipintong pagkawasak ng misteryo ng isang babae, pero... hehe. ganun na nga siguro."

2
hindi pagkawasak nung misteryo kungdi pagpalaganap pa nito, lalo. na, dahil sa pagpapami ng malalaman ko tungkol sa kanya mas dadami din ang maitatago niya sa akin. sa detalye bubuhay ang misteryo. baliktad dapat. pero, maaring gumuho ang misteryo. mabuti nang isugal. kung mangyari man yun hindi ko na siya tatangkilikin pa. kung wala na siyang maaring ipagtapat o intanggi.

pareho tayo ng skwelahan. yung babaeng tintutukoy ko dun din nagaaral.c_ ni maam l_'s, literary theory, introduction: isang beses nagaabang kaming dalawa at iba pa naming kaklase para makipagkonsultasyon. sinaad niya na ang magiging topic ng paper niya ay ang dekonstruksyon na pagbabasa sa ilang tula ni angela manalang-gloria. ito pa ang iba kong nalaman tungkol sa kanya, ayon sa pakikipagusap niya sa mga kaklase niya/namin: makanis siya tumawa, nung bata siya nagbabasa siya ng candy mag (at sa umagang yon, ayon sa isang test sa isang bagong isyu nung candy mag, sa isang test, isa raw siyang "crush-hush"), ang tansta kong size ng paa niya ay eight o eight and a half, bewang ay 26-28 (pero madalas maluwang yung pantalon na sinusuot niya, siguro binibilhan siya ng pantalon na nakasale, wala namang bakas ng biglaang pagkapayat niya), five foot five, five foot six/seven kung suot niya yung grey niya na nike trainers na alaspag na dahil halos araw araw niya ito suot (hindi pa lubos na gamit ang swelas. ibig sabihin hindi niya ginagamit ang sapatos na pangtakbo. hindi ako alam kung paano siya tumakbo). isang beses ko pa lang siya nakita nakatsinelas. mahilig siya sa cheese sandwich, madalas siya kumakain nun pagkatapos nung _ klas namin. ang cup size niya ay a, sa cup size ako pinakasigurado (pero hindi din ibig sabihin nun na yun na ang katotohanan). timbang ay possibleng 110-120-(125?) lbs, mukha kasi siyang matangkad dahil mahaba ang galamay niya pero hindi siya ganung katangkad talaga, matangkad lang siya sa tingin. nagaaccessorize siya ng relo at panali sa buhok, madalas magkakulay yung benda ng relo at yung panali niya sa buhok. meron siyang tatlong relo: purple na benda, red na benda, brown na benda. hindi ko alam yung mga brand pero hindi mukhang mamahalin. pero hindi rin ako sigurado dito, may kalayuan ang upuan ko sa upuan niya at nagsasalamin na ako ngayon. medyo malabo na ang mata ko. pero lalaki siya magsuot ng relo, nakalabas ang mukha at hindi nakatago sa ibabaw nung pulso. nagbabasa siya ng c_ p_, yung libro ay "rant" (isang beses pa lang siya nagbasa sa klase, naiinip siya dahil huli yung prof sa _ klas namin). hindi ko pa nababasa yun. at, ang pinaka magandang niyang angulo para kunan ng litrato (pero ito ay sugal na tansta), ay profile. lalo na kapag nakataas ang buhok niya (tinataas niya ang buhok niya kapag exam). lalo na.

sa totoo lang, wala akong dahilan na maaring ibigay para magbigay ng sapat na kredebilidad na magmumungkahi sa tulong mo.

2
"natatawa at natutuwa ako sa 'yo. maaaring hindi ka maniwala, pero nagkaruon ng isang kisap sa pagbabasa ko sa paglalarawan mo sa "misteryosang babae" ng iyong klase... isang kisap, kung saan naramdaman kong tila ako ang babaeng tinutukoy mo. ako ang babaeng hinahanap mo. lamang, huwag mo na itong alalahanin. ito ang bahagi ng sarili ko na nag-aasam ng ganiyang klaseng pagtunton. ganiyang klaseng pagkasindak. ganiyang klaseng pagkarahuyo. ito ang bahagi ng sarili ko na nag-aasam na sana, ako na lang si clara.

"nawa'y palarin ka na lamang sa paghahanap, at pag-alam ng kanyang tunay na pagkatao. kukuha rin ako ng masteral sa _ sa susunod na pasukan, anthropology. pag nagkita tayo, kwentuhan mo ako tungkol sa mga natuklasan mo sa binibining crush-hush.

"ingat."

3

miss, salamat na lang. hindi mo pala ako matutulungan.

alliaskofyou

... say it and I'm yours."

Argh... I so heart the new season of gossip girls! BlairChuck all the way... Grr, I've never been this gaga over a fictional couple since the whole Buffy/Angel fiasco in high school...

Thank god for internet TV or else I'm at the mercy of ETC or pirated DVDs... Either way I'll be severely outdated. Can't wait for the rest of season 2!

I'm not exactly sure if this is Blair and Chuck... Blair looks fat in this pic btw... Lol...

xOxO

notwocanoccupy

Not that I have the legal standing to even make this statement, but the Cable News Network's "Best Political Team On Television" is apparently the "Most Biased Political Team On TV" as well.

The program in question is the Situation Room, and Wolf Blitzer et. al. are covering the Republican National Convention in Minnessotta. Wolf and the aforementioned political team were doing an interview with former pres. candidate Rudy Giuliani and then it happened. Everyone went on defend-Obama-because-he-won't-hurt-a-fly mode.

I'm not one to start professing my love for Republicans, but seriously?

I get the fact that the media cannot possibly be perfectly unbiased because like all other business ventures, it is laden with private interests. But come on, guys, you could at least try to ask him more relevant questions, not ones like "Name one positive thing that Obama has done in this race."

(This is all just for the sake of venting. If you like to point out the fact that I am a Filipino and that automatically makes me a million degrees removed from American politics--notwithstanding the idea that American politics affects the world, in a sense-- then please, don't bother. I am well aware of that.)

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There really is no societal pressure to just up and pair off, right? I mean, I don't feel it, I honestly do not feel hundreds of pairs of judging eyes whenever I walk around on Valentine's Day with no one.

Is it innate, then? That feeling. I don't get it. Yesterday, a friend told me that he was on the process of getting there. I did not realize it then, but I was happy for him. Here is a great guy, who has been waiting for it come, and it did.

The question is why do I like being alone so much? I think it's because I've developed this routine. No one must disturb it. Haha.

No, no, I'm still happy and issue-less. I really am. But I think that has something to do with why I wrote this entry in the first place.

These issues, they were obstacles. They really were. Now that they've been cleared off the road, all I can see is the wide path, and what does one do? Make a mad dash for the finish line. This is the metaphor my mentor gave me.

Pace yourself, he said. It's not a race, you're not in competition with anyone.

I don't know. Masyado lang siguro ako na-excite sa fact na ang saya ko. I want to share this feeling, it's too intense.

Wee!

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Happy Birthday, Bugie!

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Procrastinor ako today. Promise, I shall do the things that I want to do. Ha? Am I making sense?

Case brief, set up appointment for mock bar, review comm, review tax, go to tax class, go home early, sleep.

Madali lang naman talaga, tinatamad lang ako today.

Quadratini Cappuccino and Tiramisu, haha ang sarap na, no trans fat pa. I swear, I'm addicted.

Let's do this, PB!

Well, folks, I'm off!

Beam me up, Scotty!

Ha, pakiulit?

...

notwocanoccupy

Is sarcasm greatly underrated nowadays, or is it just harder to be sarcastic in written language?

So much of sarcasm depends on the way one speaks, as in the actual tone of the voice, the way one looks when one is speaking, that much of what you're trying to convey is lost in translation when expression is done in writing.

Should there be some sort of a written symbol for sarcasm? Then again, the idea of sarcasm being humorous, or at the very least, vexing (haha--if that is the desired reaction), depends of the implicit demand exacted upon the hearer to understand the sarcastic nature of the text--that is, sarcasm is funny only when one understands it without it having been explained to him.

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You know what? You are what she says you are. I wholeheartedly agree.

Non dirmi che non capisco, anche.

Je ne vous hais. Je viens de ne pense pas que nous allons être de bons amis.

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Kain tayo ng Soylent Green. Hahaha.

I miss Sliced-Crosswise-Only-On-Tuesdays World by Philip Jose Farmer.

...

notwocanoccupy

This is the fifth day that classes are cancelled.

I hate to sound nerdy and whiny (or wherdy, or nerny), but, really? I had to come to school and scare myself silly with thoughts of recit, and then you're gonna cancel the class?

At least I went to the gym. The day is not as wasted as I thought. Plus, I get to finish Rem notes. Okay, so maybe I don't want my Rem prof to come to school tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I don't want my Civ prof to attend class.

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UPDATE: Turns out I am one of four people in a 40-person class to pass the Commercial Law Review midterms.

So bitching about my grade would garner death stares. But really, it wasn't the grade I was hoping for.

Okay, back to work.

...

notwocanoccupy

I went back to Ateneo yesterday to finish the long process of getting my grades. Of course, without them, I won't graduate so, yeah.

Anyway, turns out I have to go back again, it's an institutional ping-pong of sorts.

Saw some of my former blockmates. Very very JD, all of them. Truth be told, I did miss the little ol' pit of hellish nightmare that Ateneo was to me.

Plus, parking's never a problem there. So yeah, I might review there.

Yey! I DID pass Criminal Law II! So I don't have to repeat that, thank God. The ones I absolutely failed I already retook and passed, with (insert verb here) colors.

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It was Option Paralysis* Night last night, at least where TV is concerned. I didn't really think that Tuesday would be a big night, although it did see the return of my favorite shows. With all-new seasons.

So yes, I bounced between One Tree Hill, Men In Trees and The Unit. Which ended with me knowing at least the basic premise of their new seasons, but missing most scenes from all shows.

Sorry, Sky Cable, but I still like ETC, C/S and 2nd Avenue. :P

Come to think of it, there are shows out there that I like now, when I didn't think I'd like them, and there are those shows that I thought I would like but, sadly, didnt.

So the ones I like: Aside from the above-mentioned, Dirty Sexy Money, Brothers and Sisters, Pushing Daisies, Private Practice (new season coming up), Side Order of Life (surprising), and--wait for it, Miami Ink, Tattoo Wars and LA Ink. Haha. Some Wolf Blitzer, and Anderson Cooper, too. And Storyline.

On the other hand, I thought I would like Weeds, but I didn't. Not so much. And Saving Grace, but there is something about Holly Hunter's character that I find annoying, but Laura San Giacomo's I love. Oh, and Lipstick Jungle is starting to disappoint me.

That's TV in my world.

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*The term "Option Paralysis" was heard by blogger from JO.

...

i feel like i didn't express myself properly in my last entry.

i feel like i am underwater again. i feel like i'm more deaf and everything is just blur.

people are just drifting farther and farther into their own destinations. and i am here typing away as i watch them be something. i envy you.

it seems that the things i regarded important never really were. like the smoke on your cigarette, it escaped the inhale to your lungs. it never got to experience what it was really supposed to be. it was given life but then it was never really me that was needed. i was just that smoke you watch dance to the sky. i was never meant to dance.

as i begin to change the things that i value, i can't fathom what the fuck could there be? what?

i have to say that i've never really known what i want. maybe that's why i always give myself goals. maybe also that's why i've never made any of those goals.

i actually started running so at least i can prove to myself that i could be worth something after all. how useless and pathetic was that? i lost 40 pounds since march. now what? cut of an arm to lose a few more? idiot.

i envy you.

<><>

there is distance again from me and the world. i can feel it with every movement i t make. i am drifting farther and farther into a corner. alone.

i wish. i wish i can write like you. be a poet. sing of the time and write about the pauses angels make when your lover passes by. when he kisses you. when he touches you. i wish i had your gift. to actually feel something. i've been sick and tired of being underwater too long.

but alas it have always been my own body that has weighed me down. no one elses fault. isn't it? it just me all along.

i don't want to live a double life. i want peace in my heart. i want to do what i say, and say what i do.

i fear losing myself in what i do and then rest a while and find out i don't like who i have become. that when i focus entirely in my business, i forget that i'm also an artist, that i choose to create art. i need my alone time too. i'm naturally melancholic. i'm afraid that i'll become too much of a people person i don't know myself anymore, that i'll lose myself.

i fear that i'd work so hard that i forget what i'm working for in the process or when i get what i want, i find out i don't want it pala.

i dislike the feeling of hanging out with the average people knowing that i have what it takes to be more than average but i know that i'm just not giving myself enough.

i fear to be so "with God" that i follow blindlessly, or i follow other people's beliefs about him and not him really, just like what happened before. i don't want to just live the Christian life for the sake of living it or for the sake that i choose it so i have to or because others say it's this way or that way, i want to live it because i want to follow him.

i'm afraid of the cost of following God, that i might be called to leave behind things that i like but i'm not ready to let go. i'm afraid that i dont know the difference between being called by God to let go of some things and just following the crowd or what some "authority" might say. i fear i might miss what my life could be if i choose God.

i'm afraid of what i'll miss out when i don't follow God. his love, his comfort, his peace, his favor, his guiding hand, the best life he promised.

i fear that i'm just making this dichotomy up.

i fear my past would be like my future, that i'm going round in circles.

i fear that i'll grow old without becoming someone that i want to be.

i fear my own decisions.

i'm afraid that i think of myself too much that i forget about others. inversely, i'm afraid that i think of others too much that i forget about myself.

i'm afraid that i'm living a floating life, half-lived cause of indecision, of a stand, that i'm standing on the fence.

i'm just afraid of blind faith again, of having to put up a front always. i just want to live MY life, whatever that is, whatever i choose it to be without ever being afraid of what anybody would say, without ever looking around and seeing if others approve or not, just like kids, they just play.

i fear responsibility. i'm lazy and i'm afraid i won't follow through anyways.

i'm afraid that i'm not tough enough for this, that i won't have what it takes to go through it on the long haul.